your lawn is decorated with at least one, preferably two, plastic pink flamingos, whom you regard as your familiars.
when you draw down the moon you say, Ya'll come on down now, ya hear?
you use junk cars to mark the four corners of your circle.
you ever harvest ritual herbs with a weed wacker...
you're ritual staff is a double barrel 12 gage ...
you're ritual garments include any one of the following: Flannel Plaid, Long Johns, A pistol belt or Cowboy Boots ...
you've ever blessed chewing tobacco or snuff ...
you're ritual wine is Maddog 20/20, Night Train or White Lady 21...
you call your coven mates "Bud" and "Sis",
you think a Great Rite is turning onto County Road 13,
your Quarter candles smell like kerosene,
you pronounce "athame" as "athaym" and "Samhain" as "Sammon" or "Sam-hayn"
you think a "Sidhe" is a girl,
your idea of the "Goddess" is the Coors Swedish Bikini Ski Team
your Bard plays the banjo........
your Wand of Power is a cattle prod...
your ceremonial belt has your name on the back and a belt buckle bigger than your head...
you call the quarter by invoking "Billy, Joe, Jim and Bob"...And call the Gods by hollerin' "Hey y'all, watch me!"...
The instructions to get to your Covenstead include the words "After you turn off the paved road".
your favorite robe has the logo of a manufacturer of major farm equipment
on the back....
your altar-cloth is a rebel flag...
you must be a Redneck Pagan!
20 ways to tell if your a Redneck Pagan....
1. If your favorite painting of the Goddess gives her hair like Reba McEntire
2. If you worship the gods of cheap beer and Nascar
3. If your Goddess picture says "Miss September"
4. If your broom has four-wheel drive and SC plates
5. If your coven-stead is propped up on cinder blocks
6. If your favorite Great Rite partner is your first, second AND third cousin
7. If you invoke the spirits so that your beer lasts longer
8. If you pray nightly to the god of big tires
9. If you can play "The Burning Times" on the banjo
10. If your favorite ritual libation is brewed in an illegal backyard still
11. If you sacrifice bbq and pork rinds on a altar made of old car hoods
12. If you have a combined Maypole Dance/Tractor Pull/Turkey Shoot for Beltane
13. If you canceled a coven meeting to watch Pay Per View pro-wrestling
14. If part of your rite includes throwing shotgun shells into the fire
15. If when your priestess says "Blessed Be" in circle, ya'll respond with a big ol' "YEEE-HAW!"
16. If you shoot guns into the air when the priestess says, "The circle is open but unbroken..."
17. If your robes are made out of denim with Harley Davidson patches
18. If your most sacred altar items include, hubcap, a velvet painting and a half-empty can of chaw
19. If your altar cloth is a Confederate flag
20. If you got your robes at K-Mart....then you just might be!
If your High Priestess wears a polyester robe, and fuzzy slippers, or you High Priest wears bib overalls
If your god symbol is a NASCAR model
If you cast circle with a folding hunting knife for an Athame
If you use Moon Pies and RC Cola for cakes and ale
If you License to Depart includes the phrase "You boogers git outta here..."
If you regularly use a corn cob as a wand
If you refer to the Lady and Lord as "Ma and Pa"
If you have to end your circle early on Wrestling or Tractor Pull nights
you MIGHT be a bubba wiccan....
Does your pickup have an athame rack?
Do you schedule ritual around shows like "Bay Watch" and "Married with Children"?
Do you call forth the Horned God in an effort to hunt something "stronger than deer"?
Is your crystal ball made of polystyrene (i.e., a bowling ball)?
Do the gods misunderstand your requests due to the thick southern accent?
Do you think "drawing down the moon" is just another hunting term?
You *may* be a redneck pagan! Yeeee--haw!
And then there's the blond Pagan jokes...
Why did the blond pagan have a lasso?
She wanted to draw down the moon.
Why did the blond pagan have a remote control?
She wanted to channel.
How does a blond pagan meditate
Ommm...like, oh my omm {head shaking back and forth}
How can you tell a blonde pagan closed the circle?
There's white-out on the floor.
Q: How many Satanists does it take to change a light bulb?
a: None, they LIKE it dark.
Q: How many Xians does it take to change a light bulb?
a: One. Doesn't actually change the bulb, but prays over the old one and tries
to save it.
Q; How many Pagans does it take to change a light bulb?
a: What's a "light bulb"?
Those three always seemed to go together.
How many witches does it take to change a light bulb?
-It depends what you want to change it into.
How many Gardnerians does it take to change a light bulb?
-Sorry can't tell you....... It's a craft secret!
What do you say to an angry witch?
Ribbit
What's the difference between a Pagan and a New Ager?
A decimal point. What you'll pay $300 to a New Age practitioner for, you can
get from the local Pagans for $30.
Q: How do you tell a Newage witch from a neoPagan Witch?
A: You throw them both in the water. The neoPagan Witch will float,
whereas the Newage Witch will sink under the weight of all
their (overpriced) crystals....
Signs that you may be a TechnoPagan
* If your athame has a SCSI interface ...
* If your OBE's begin with a netsplit ...
* If your priest robes conceal a pocket protector ...
* If you calculate the phases of the moon with http://www.googol.com/moon/
...
* If your altar has a keyboard ...
* If your Yule ritual involves defragmentation ...
* If your coven is spread over a 12,000 sq. mi. area ...
* If your Book of Shadows has a 6-digit version number ...
* If you refer to deities using 3-letter acronyms (ODN, LKI, THR) ...
* If you do cord magick with Ethernet cable...
* If you ritually down and reload your server for Samhain ...
* If your altar cloth is a mouse pad ...
* If, when your quarter candles burn out, the UPS backup system kicks in ...
* If erecting the temple entails formatting more than 4 disks ...
* If casting the circle changes an (int) to a (float) ...
* If your Star Trek screen-saver signals when your meditation period is over ...
* If your Beltane ritual includes more than one news group or chat room...
* If passing the cakes and ale entails using a /me command ...
* If your search for truth involves regular expressions ...
* If your familiar is a mouse ...
* If you draw down the moon using a light-pen ...
* If your cone of power has a surge suppressor ...
* If your tarot cards multi-task ...
* If your daemons collect news for you ...
* If your crystal ball has a horizontal-hold control ...
* If you refer to solitary practice as a stand alone ...
* If you tap into the collective unconscious using MSIE ...
* If your favorite deity has a homepage (well, most of them do now...)...
* If the address of your covenstead begins with http:// ...
* and finally, if your circle is a token ring ...